And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was speaking [...]]]>

I have said some pretty idiotic things today.

And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was speaking to at the time.

OK so to make a long story short. Yes I got bad news today. Just one more thing in what seems like an endless array of “bad things” that have been sent my way of late. It is too involved here to explain right now, mainly because my hands are killing me and I don’t want to type more than I have to.

And to those of you who have mentioned the “it has to get denied a few times before it is approved” comment I understand this part. But I do thank you for mentioning it because it lets me know you care and best of all that people actually read what I post. lol But there is more to the initial denial than just that. As I said more to it then the obvious. I am sure that those of you that know Red and I well enough will know it all before too long.

As for me well I am and always have been a fighter. Not going to let this go. I have things I need to focus on for the immediate future and worry about the rest later.

But first I want to say something. Not like the above is not something, it is. But just not what I want to say now and to who I wanted to say it.

Man now I am beginning to type like Red. Stream of conscious typing. No structure.. lol

Ok Red, it is you that I want to address this to.

I realized after I dropped you off at school that I had been a total ass. I made you cry because I told you to take back the clothes you bought me because I was worried about expenses. Well in my mind I was right. It was just a gut reaction to natural survival. Shut every non essential down and bring the wagons into a circle.  In my panic I neglected to take into account your feelings and for that I am sorry. I hate to see you cry. It tears my heart up. You are not only my partner Red. you are my best friend, confidant and all that makes me worth knowing.  I have learned more about who I am in the last 10 years with you than I have in the last 56 years I have been on this planet.  If it had not been for you my Love I would not be here now. My life or what I thought was my life ended 10 years ago in Florida. You are the Only thing that stopped me from pursuing one of the stupidest and final mistakes of my life.

I guess what I am trying to say here Red is that I Love you more than life it’s self. And without you there is nothing. You Rock my world on a daily basis. And when I am foolish enough to say or do something that hurts you it rips me apart. So I ask you for your forgiveness and know that I can not promise it won’t happen again. Why? because I am human and I have emotions. But I will sure try to think before I speak in the future.

I Love you All Ways and in All Ways. We will survive.

And as much as I love the Klingon‘s.

Today is Not a good day to die.

Today is a good day to Fight!

To my FaceBook friends. At some point tonight I will log back in and change my photo back and remove the rantings of the lunatic. lol

But until then,

Peace Out

Dragon

Yeah easier said than done.

So for the last 2 days I have been calling my landlord’s maintenance line because the bathroom sink is now leaking, no make that flooding into my basement [...]]]>

Now with all the rest of the bullshit I have going on in my life I still have to maintain and get things done right?

Yeah easier said than done.

So for the last 2 days I have been calling my landlord’s maintenance line because the bathroom sink is now leaking, no make that flooding into my basement and about a dozen tiles including the soap dish have just decided to travel off the wall and make a home in pieces in my bathtub.

Yeah, not so good. I managed to save a lot of things in the basement that were victims of the biblical flood that hit the basement.  Some not so much. But nothing of any real value has been damaged. So we are lucky there.

But I digress. I have been calling for 2 days now to a fucking voice pager and as of now have not heard a bloody peep from him. I am so pissed. Do you have any idea how bloody frustrating it is to get up in the morning, take your shower or bath. Dry off then haul all your other bathroom equipment into the kitchen (which is on the other side of the house) to use the sink? Well let me tell you. It is a pain in the bloody ass.

And then on another note. I was enjoying a fine meal the other day and bit down in the wrong way and broke several of my lower teeth. Now don’t get me wrong I have never been the best on visiting the dentist. I hate them. They scare me more than anything in the world. I can stand a lot of pain in a lot of ways. But the thought of going to a dentist and the sound of the drills and the imagined and real pain brings me to my knees and makes me scream like a little girl.

Now that being said I have to see if I can get into the dentist and get the last of these broken lumps of enamel surgically removed and a bottom plate made for me and have my insurance pay for them before I lose the insurance at the end of the month. There are no appointments for the next 2 months open so I was told this morning to just come in at 7am when they open and see if I can get seen as an emergency case. Then take it from there. I already know from Red’s experience that my dentist can not do anything as he does not do surgery in his office so I have to be forwarded to the surgical center here and then back to the dentist for the plate.

Can I get all this accomplished in less than 2 weeks? Who the fuck knows. But I am sure going to try. So it seems I have to get to the Lawyer at 10 am tomorrow and then I am going to sit in the dentists parking lot on Friday until they  open and see how it goes. Wish me well. I can already hear me screaming from the pain . Oh lord I hate the thought of this. But if I dont do it now I am going to be eating soup for the rest of my life.

Hmm I wonder if I can rent myself out to any and all of my friends to do what ever projects they need done or help with for money?

Well I can and will do anything except the illegal things. lol

But it is a thought. Might be a way to raise rent and utilities money for at least another month.

Any offers or takers out there? I work cheap (LMAO). Just can not do anything that requires talking for a long time (COPD) or any heavy work as the old lungs won’t hack it. And I have a pickup truck ( unless it gets repossessed for non payments). But for now I do have one. So can haul shit as well.

Ahh well tis but a dream. Unless you feel the need and want to help out.

Love to the world it fucking needs it.

Peace Out

Dragon

So I went to their website to see what they had and this is what I found:

======================================

“When [...]]]>

I was told that after my insurance runs out on Oct 31, 2009 that is 18 days from now I should consider continuing my insurance with COBRA Insurance. Never had to deal with them. But have never heard anything good.

So I went to their website to see what they had and this is what I found:

======================================

“When should you continue your group health plan benefits under COBRA?
You should seriously consider continuing your health benefits under COBRA if you…

* have had comprehensive benefits and don’t mind paying more for them.
* want continual, guaranteed coverage at a higher cost.
* have had recent health problems.
* have had ongoing health problems.
* are taking expensive medications.
* have been declined for private insurance recently.
* have a history of medical problems.
* have had an accident within the 60 day window of enrollment.
* are pregnant or planning to get that way.
* got a job and your new employer does not offer a health plan“.

============================================

Now all things considered.

I Understand that COBRA is a LAW not a Medical Insurance Company.

Look at the First qualifier.

“have had comprehensive benefits and don’t mind paying more for them“.

MORE for them???? MORE???

What fucking planet did these bureaucratic money grubbing assholes wake up on?

So let me get this straight.

I just lost my job. I lose my insurance in 18 days. But if I want to keep it then all I have to do is pay MORE and I can keep it.

I did read that correctly didn’t I?

Yes I did!

Where in all that is fucking proper and intelligent do they think I can afford to pay MORE for insurance when I just got terminated?

I mean lets get real here. Without my income we are not going to be able to afford the bills we currently have like rent, food, medications, car, insurance (both car and us) utilities. You know the basic amenities that one actually needs in order to live.

The answer. They don’t fucking care. They do not care if we live or die. Just that they get their overpriced premiums every month.

Yeah I can see that this is not going to bode well.  Let’s hope that the Attorney has something positive to tell me when I go see him on Thursday.

Peace Out

Dragon

Give her a break people.

I know damn well if you were in her [...]]]>

I have to give Amanda Kudo’s here for this blog entry. She has a point. And I don’t think the so called “complaining fans” fully understand how hard it is for someone like her to make a living in her chosen field.

Give her a break people.

I know damn well if you were in her situation and the same opportunities presented themselves to make a little extra money to help offset the expenses of traveling the planet to Entertain “US”, you would do the same thing.

Don’t change Amanda. Do what you need to. Your true fan base will understand and continue to support you in all you do.

amanda fucking palmer » blog

Peace Out

Dragon

Besides these guys played one of my [...]]]>

I was never a big fan of the Ukulele. But after listening to these guys, and of course the One and Only “Amanda Fucking Palmer”. I have changed my mind. These little instruments can do an amazing job if the person on the playing end knows how to play one.

Besides these guys played one of my favorite songs. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

Hope you all enjoy it as well.

Peace out

Dragon

Sexy Monday Ukulele Joy via the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain.

Take me for example. I belong to several, Twitter, FaceBook, MySpace, My Blog here, and a few others. Sure I update them as often as I can.  And I enjoy the social interaction from [...]]]>

I have come to realize over the last 12 months that the social networking sites you belong to are sometimes not your friends.

Take me for example. I belong to several, Twitter, FaceBook, MySpace, My Blog here, and a few others. Sure I update them as often as I can.  And I enjoy the social interaction from them all.

Now where I have a problem is this. People taking the information from your social network that you post and making sure that people that do NOT belong to your network are informed of what is going on in your life.

Yeah I know what your thinking. “Then you should not have posted the information”.

I suppose that could be true. But on the other hand are my social sites not a place for me to just vent, bitch and communicate with friends?  I think so. But I do not in any way give permission to anyone to republish my information to people outside my “circle of social contacts”.

All this stems from an email I got from my father the other day.

As most of you who know me are aware of I have had health problems for the last several months. I have made it public via my sites and kept people updated. Now there have been a few people that I have not given all the information to (none of these are part of my social networks)  as I was not totally aware of all the facts. And that being said did not want to cause undue stress to those individuals until I knew for sure exactly what I am facing.

So back to the email from Dad. Now bare in mind I have spoken to him regarding my health problems. Not all of it because I did not know all the answers. But regardless he informs me that he just received an email from another relative that I have not spoken to or seen in over 30 years. He tells my dad that he has seen a picture of me on Facebook and that I look very old and that he has been told that my health is in serious jeopardy.

So that prompts the email from my Dad asking me WTF? And that we need to have a serious talk??

Bless him I love him to death but there is nothing to talk about at the moment. I have no bloody idea where I stand as of yet. The details are too long to go into here. But suffice it to say it involves dealing with the government and disability and attorneys and all sorts of bloody red tape.

I guess the point I am making here is that if you dont want people to “tattle on you out of school“, then do not post it on the net.

So who ratted me out to my relative and caused the email from my Dad? I do not know who. But I have a few good ideas. It is times like this that I just want to pull the whole “Social Network” plug and take my life off the internet. Go back to life before the net and perhaps enjoy what the world has to offer me outside of this 19 inch LCD screen. I mean there is a whole world out there full of people to talk to and things to do.

Yes there are people out there that will sell you out as well. But in the real world at least you are not publishing all your woes and troubles for other people to take and have fun with. You actually have to speak to them directly.

I guess I am just venting here and pissed.

If and when I want to update MY father about my condition. Then it should be ME that tells him.

Chances are that the person that gave up this information to my Uncle who then spoke to my father will read this. When you do please take the time to think about what you have done. I did not ask you to speculate on my health. Nor did I ask you to be my hearald and tell the world how I am doing. And just because we are friends/family does not give you the right to inform people abut me without my knowledge or permission. Do you have any idea of the repercussions that shit like this can cause? Probably not.

People do not think. They just react. Shitty but true.

Well I have vented enough for today.

Life sucks, then you read the news and realize it does not suck. It is a fucking Mess!

Peace Out

Dragon

And yep you guessed [...]]]>

To say that I am somewhat in mental limbo right now would be putting it mildly. I think I am more leaning towards full blown panic or complete mental collapse. Either way it really does not make a difference as I am going to be up shits creek here in a few weeks.

And yep you guessed it. The paddle is nowhere to be found.

Most of you that know me are aware that in the last 12 months my health has gone from pretty good to 3 steps from crash and burn. In that time I got diagnosed with COPD, got put on medical leave from work and hoped to get treatment and get back to work. Well that has not happened. Not that I did not get treatment. I did. Just that my system has pretty much rejected most all of the medications I have been prescribed. So along with the COPD I have also been diagnosed with “migratory rheumatoid arthritis“.

It seems now that the “migratory rheumatoid arthritis” is running in full swing throughout my body. What that means is that the bastard disease decided that it does not want to settle down anywhere in particular in my body. It is one of the more global travelers. It just chooses a random joint or joints each day when I awake to pulverize me with pain. But it does however seem to favor my hands and wrists.

In the last week I had a very dear friend almost die in my arms. He is only 42. Talk about a smack in the face of my mortality.

My Doctor told me that I might want to begin paperwork to see if I can get Full Disability from SSI as the diagnosis for my problems has only gotten worse. Then I am told that once I start taking the medications for the arthritis I need to be very careful.

“Why”, I asked.

I was told that the medications for treating the type of arthritis I have wreak havoc and severely weaken my immune system. And with my COPD which as well all know is just an acronym for emphysema (lung / breathing problems) I could very well compromise my health more by not being careful.

“Oh fucking  joy”!

So now after all this crap sinks in I realize that any one of the 2 major colds I get each year could potentially be fatal to me.

Then the omnipresent reality starts to creep in as well. I am currently on “long term medical leave” from work due to this. But as much as the company I work for has been there for me in every way I have asked of them. They have supported me 100% from the get go. They in all good conscious can not keep me on the books as an employee much longer. Sooner or later if I can not get back to work they are going to have to let me go. Unfortunately it is more than likely going to be sooner than later.

So there will go my only link to my Doctor and medication as I will lose all the insurance I currently have. And after listening to the news lately it has not convinced me that I am going to get or have any decent health care without it any time in the near future. Well not any that I can afford if I am not employed and the company does not provide it. Because I sure as hell can NOT afford the current medication I am now without it. I mean totaling up the meds I use now without insurance are in the thousands. Even with insurance I pay about 2-3 hundred a month.

But apart from that I have no idea where Red and I are going to end up. Financially this is going to screw us completely. For the last year while all this has been going on we have depleted our savings.  Since I have been on medical leave we have been functioning on only 60% of my salary. So with Red going to school, working and her work in the writing center we just manage to scrape by each month.

Well almost.

As they say, “Shit Happens”, and it is after all Murphys Law, “If anything can go wrong, it will”.  So factor in this variable and we have a house that runs constantly in the deficit. The “Rob Peter to Pay Paul” syndrome. It is not easy but we manage. For now.

I have the most Amazing group of “Phamily, Family and Friends” around me here though.  Support is Great from them all. I LOVE you so much.

But it still does not ease the fears that permeate my mind on a 24 hour basis.

I mean Red and I talk. We talk A LOT. It is one of the  basics foundations  of our relationship.  And she is worried as well. Tries not to show it. But can not fool me girlie. I can see you. We joke a lot about it. But reality is reality. It has made a lot of difference in how we function on a daily basis now. Life changing is what I thought I called it once before. Never realized how much though until now. But we live and learn.

Have a lot to do now to figure out how we are going to make it. What we need to do. Who we need to speak to, paper work, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork and did I mention the paperwork.

I have to quit for now. Hand beginning to hurt again and swell more. LOL Makes it damn hard to type.

Peace Out

Dragon

So now I have to wait until Monday to call and see if there was anything out of place on the last CT scan and the breath tests I took.

Waiting… It is the devils playground for the mind.

Even though we are told not to expect the worst when waiting for medical [...]]]>

No word from Doctor as yet.

So now I have to wait until Monday to call and see if there was anything out of place on the last CT scan and the breath tests I took.

Waiting… It is the devils playground for the mind.

Even though we are told not to expect the worst when waiting for medical information. We as a whole can not get away from those easy to set up thoughts.  You always want to and hope for the best. But damn it. Why does it seem easier to imagine the worst? It is not fair. It is how we are programed from childhood. Why do they do that to us? And who are “they” any way? Our parents? The media programmers from TV and Radio?  Yeah I said Radio. I am old enough to have received some of my earlier form of entertainment on the radio. We were not all rich enough to afford a TV back in the day, Yo.

And to those of you that have called me and tried to contact me on the social sites. I apologize. I have been in a funk for a while now. I am not trying to ignore you. Honestly. I Love you all so much. You know who you are.

If I name any at all then those I do not mention would more than likely get offended because I did not mention them. So lets just say those of you that are closest to me and know where I live and my phone number. That should cover it. Friends, Family and especially my PHAMILY !!!!!!

Now as my last post from the parking lot seems to have worried some of you. Don””t let it. I am NOT giving up by any stretch of the imagination. I was just trying to get some of this crap ( pardon the pun) my chest. Yes, I am so fucking tired of all the “lets test this med because the other one did not do squat”  method of doctoring. It is not only defeating to ones well being but it is expensive as well.  Yeah I have Insurance at the moment. But does not it figure that most of the meds I have to take are not classified under the good old insurance $5 per prescription plan. They range from $45 all the way to a few hundred a prescription. I had to refuse the last prescription because it was $200.00 for a weeks supply and the insurance will not cover one cent of it. So yeah. This is why I bitch and moan…

Anyway I just wanted everyone to know I am ok. I am doing the best I can from day to day.  Just got done with a breathing treatment and the shakes are back bad. But we will persevere. I do not see me going out of the house much over the next week or so. The weather is not good for me to be out. With all this rain you would think it would be ok. But along with the heat during the day it just seems to create more humidity than there was before it rained. I mean right now if I walk out of the front door and into the heat of day. I feel like I just got hit in the chest with a ten ton truck. Within a few steps I am almost completely exhausted. So I will be here at home in my electronic world for the next several days.

I Love you all,

Peace Out,

Dragon

I [...]]]>

My life for the last year or so has not been up to snuff. And especially in the last 8 months. Now when I say up to snuff. I don””t mean trouble with the wife or anything of that nature. It is the concerns of my health now that sit and percolate in my sub conscious.

I had to endure and work on stabilizing some rather bad psychological problems about 8 months ago. It all had to do with stress that then lead to depression and finally to my meltdown. Then the aftermath of that and being out of work on disability. Then having to see a shrink for 8 months. But it helped.

Between my shrink and my doctor we managed to get a nice little cocktail of medication together, (through several weeks of trial and error). And this cocktail now keeps me lucid and stable on a daily basis. Yay !

But during this entire time Red was there to help me. God I love that woman. Anyway I digress. I was worried about what the hell was happening to me. I have always been a strong guy. Perhaps not in the physical muscle sense, but in body and spirit. And I was losing control.

I now need pills to keep me balanced emotionally. This is really fucked. But what choice do you have? Yeah there are those that tell you that once you recognize the triggers that set off the emotional responses you can learn to avoid them. yeah.. Easier said than done. And for the longest time you still need medication.

I hate living on pills. It is like that saying,“Better Living through Chemistry”.

So after fighting this crap for over 8 months I finally get someplace and get back to work and then shit hits the fan Again!

I cant stop coughing and chest is tight and very difficult to breath.

Yeah I do smoke. Have for over 40 years.

Yeah I KNOW I have to quit. Especially now.

Went to the Doctor after trying to get rid of what I thought was just allergies and sinus problems. His diagnosis was Severe Asthmatic Bronchitis. Got Chest X-Ray and that looked OK. Doc prescribed some meds, a weak steroid to clear the lungs and an antibiotic to help get rid of infection behind eardrum.

OK, Cool.. That ought to do it. That was back the end of Jan.

Well it didnt get any better. I went back and Doc kept adjusting the meds. But it never got better. Now this is April and had to go to the ER because I had so much problems with breathing.

So ER Doc orders another X-Ray and then proceeds to give me 3 breathing treatments in the space of 5 hours. A shit load of blood was removed from my person.  For lab tests.

By the time I was done that day I was wired for supersonic sound. If you have ever had an Albuterol breathing treatment you know what I mean. I was shaking so bad I looked like a drunk that had not had a drink in days.  And it has a speed effect. But couple that with the steroids I was also given. It was a bad, bad day…

Than came the kicker from the ER Doc as I was signing my get out of here papers.

Doc: “I want you to call your Doctor today and get an appointment with him tomorrow”.

Me: “Well I have one for the 26th of this month”.

Doc: “No you need to get in to see him tomorrow”.

Me: “Why Doc”?

Doc: “I found a dark mass / lesion on one of your ribs that I can not identify”.

Me: “OK, will call him when I get done here”.

So I did call him and got in the next day. He asked me what was up. I explained what the ER Doc had said. He looked at me rather funny and looked up the ER Doctors notes on his computer.

He just said , can”t be we just did an X-Ray end of January and I didn”t see anything.

But to be on safe side he scheduled a CT scan for the next day. That was Friday.

Now here I sit. Waiting on the results.

Knowing I have COPD was enough of a kicker to have to deal with. It is going to cause me to make some major life changes.

But now to think there is a dark mass / lesion on my rib that was not there 3 months ago. Little scary..

So there you go. I am still having problems breathing. Meds have been upped to the sky, breathing treatments 4 times a day, ( fuck me that makes it hard to function ) ,  and I am out of work until the 19th unless this does not get any better and or the thing on my rib is something weird or scary. Then I could be looking at longer off and that sucks.

Peace Out

Dragon