This is bad enough as it is, but it was also my 57th birthday.

The friend I am speaking of has lived with Red and I for the last 10 years. The people that have known him over the [...]]]>

On Sunday May 30th, 2010 one of my closest and dearest friends suffered a stroke.

This is bad enough as it is, but it was also my 57th birthday.

The friend I am speaking of has lived with Red and I for the last 10 years. The people that have known him over the years will attest to the fact that he was an old soul, and one of the most lovable friends, companions, one could ever hope to ask for.

This friend’s name was Keyser Soze. Not to be confused with the character in the movie, but that was who he was named after.

He is now at peace, he passed away on June 3rd, 2010 at 4:28 pm.

He was laid to rest in a beautiful place thanks to another dear friend. From his resting place he can look out over fields of green grass with swarms of Dragonflies and Honeysuckle all over the hillside. There are also several Llama’s and Arabian horses near by that he can see and hear.

Keyser My Friend

This dog had more personality and chutzpa than most people I know. He will be remembered in our family forever. For those of you that knew him I hope you remember him fondly as well. For those of you that never got to meet him I feel for you. You missed a chance of a lifetime. He was as human as you could get in a dog’s body.

Keyser I love you man. Always will. Rest in peace my friend. I will cherish the time we spent together. I love and Miss you my friend… Till we meet again in the SummerLand, be good and have all the pain free fun you can. I know you will be watching out for us.

Peace Out Keyser, I Love you !!!

And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was speaking [...]]]>

I have said some pretty idiotic things today.

And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was speaking to at the time.

OK so to make a long story short. Yes I got bad news today. Just one more thing in what seems like an endless array of “bad things” that have been sent my way of late. It is too involved here to explain right now, mainly because my hands are killing me and I don’t want to type more than I have to.

And to those of you who have mentioned the “it has to get denied a few times before it is approved” comment I understand this part. But I do thank you for mentioning it because it lets me know you care and best of all that people actually read what I post. lol But there is more to the initial denial than just that. As I said more to it then the obvious. I am sure that those of you that know Red and I well enough will know it all before too long.

As for me well I am and always have been a fighter. Not going to let this go. I have things I need to focus on for the immediate future and worry about the rest later.

But first I want to say something. Not like the above is not something, it is. But just not what I want to say now and to who I wanted to say it.

Man now I am beginning to type like Red. Stream of conscious typing. No structure.. lol

Ok Red, it is you that I want to address this to.

I realized after I dropped you off at school that I had been a total ass. I made you cry because I told you to take back the clothes you bought me because I was worried about expenses. Well in my mind I was right. It was just a gut reaction to natural survival. Shut every non essential down and bring the wagons into a circle.  In my panic I neglected to take into account your feelings and for that I am sorry. I hate to see you cry. It tears my heart up. You are not only my partner Red. you are my best friend, confidant and all that makes me worth knowing.  I have learned more about who I am in the last 10 years with you than I have in the last 56 years I have been on this planet.  If it had not been for you my Love I would not be here now. My life or what I thought was my life ended 10 years ago in Florida. You are the Only thing that stopped me from pursuing one of the stupidest and final mistakes of my life.

I guess what I am trying to say here Red is that I Love you more than life it’s self. And without you there is nothing. You Rock my world on a daily basis. And when I am foolish enough to say or do something that hurts you it rips me apart. So I ask you for your forgiveness and know that I can not promise it won’t happen again. Why? because I am human and I have emotions. But I will sure try to think before I speak in the future.

I Love you All Ways and in All Ways. We will survive.

And as much as I love the Klingon‘s.

Today is Not a good day to die.

Today is a good day to Fight!

To my FaceBook friends. At some point tonight I will log back in and change my photo back and remove the rantings of the lunatic. lol

But until then,

Peace Out

Dragon

And yep you guessed [...]]]>

To say that I am somewhat in mental limbo right now would be putting it mildly. I think I am more leaning towards full blown panic or complete mental collapse. Either way it really does not make a difference as I am going to be up shits creek here in a few weeks.

And yep you guessed it. The paddle is nowhere to be found.

Most of you that know me are aware that in the last 12 months my health has gone from pretty good to 3 steps from crash and burn. In that time I got diagnosed with COPD, got put on medical leave from work and hoped to get treatment and get back to work. Well that has not happened. Not that I did not get treatment. I did. Just that my system has pretty much rejected most all of the medications I have been prescribed. So along with the COPD I have also been diagnosed with “migratory rheumatoid arthritis“.

It seems now that the “migratory rheumatoid arthritis” is running in full swing throughout my body. What that means is that the bastard disease decided that it does not want to settle down anywhere in particular in my body. It is one of the more global travelers. It just chooses a random joint or joints each day when I awake to pulverize me with pain. But it does however seem to favor my hands and wrists.

In the last week I had a very dear friend almost die in my arms. He is only 42. Talk about a smack in the face of my mortality.

My Doctor told me that I might want to begin paperwork to see if I can get Full Disability from SSI as the diagnosis for my problems has only gotten worse. Then I am told that once I start taking the medications for the arthritis I need to be very careful.

“Why”, I asked.

I was told that the medications for treating the type of arthritis I have wreak havoc and severely weaken my immune system. And with my COPD which as well all know is just an acronym for emphysema (lung / breathing problems) I could very well compromise my health more by not being careful.

“Oh fucking  joy”!

So now after all this crap sinks in I realize that any one of the 2 major colds I get each year could potentially be fatal to me.

Then the omnipresent reality starts to creep in as well. I am currently on “long term medical leave” from work due to this. But as much as the company I work for has been there for me in every way I have asked of them. They have supported me 100% from the get go. They in all good conscious can not keep me on the books as an employee much longer. Sooner or later if I can not get back to work they are going to have to let me go. Unfortunately it is more than likely going to be sooner than later.

So there will go my only link to my Doctor and medication as I will lose all the insurance I currently have. And after listening to the news lately it has not convinced me that I am going to get or have any decent health care without it any time in the near future. Well not any that I can afford if I am not employed and the company does not provide it. Because I sure as hell can NOT afford the current medication I am now without it. I mean totaling up the meds I use now without insurance are in the thousands. Even with insurance I pay about 2-3 hundred a month.

But apart from that I have no idea where Red and I are going to end up. Financially this is going to screw us completely. For the last year while all this has been going on we have depleted our savings.  Since I have been on medical leave we have been functioning on only 60% of my salary. So with Red going to school, working and her work in the writing center we just manage to scrape by each month.

Well almost.

As they say, “Shit Happens”, and it is after all Murphys Law, “If anything can go wrong, it will”.  So factor in this variable and we have a house that runs constantly in the deficit. The “Rob Peter to Pay Paul” syndrome. It is not easy but we manage. For now.

I have the most Amazing group of “Phamily, Family and Friends” around me here though.  Support is Great from them all. I LOVE you so much.

But it still does not ease the fears that permeate my mind on a 24 hour basis.

I mean Red and I talk. We talk A LOT. It is one of the  basics foundations  of our relationship.  And she is worried as well. Tries not to show it. But can not fool me girlie. I can see you. We joke a lot about it. But reality is reality. It has made a lot of difference in how we function on a daily basis now. Life changing is what I thought I called it once before. Never realized how much though until now. But we live and learn.

Have a lot to do now to figure out how we are going to make it. What we need to do. Who we need to speak to, paper work, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork and did I mention the paperwork.

I have to quit for now. Hand beginning to hurt again and swell more. LOL Makes it damn hard to type.

Peace Out

Dragon

So now I have to wait until Monday to call and see if there was anything out of place on the last CT scan and the breath tests I took.

Waiting… It is the devils playground for the mind.

Even though we are told not to expect the worst when waiting for medical [...]]]>

No word from Doctor as yet.

So now I have to wait until Monday to call and see if there was anything out of place on the last CT scan and the breath tests I took.

Waiting… It is the devils playground for the mind.

Even though we are told not to expect the worst when waiting for medical information. We as a whole can not get away from those easy to set up thoughts.  You always want to and hope for the best. But damn it. Why does it seem easier to imagine the worst? It is not fair. It is how we are programed from childhood. Why do they do that to us? And who are “they” any way? Our parents? The media programmers from TV and Radio?  Yeah I said Radio. I am old enough to have received some of my earlier form of entertainment on the radio. We were not all rich enough to afford a TV back in the day, Yo.

And to those of you that have called me and tried to contact me on the social sites. I apologize. I have been in a funk for a while now. I am not trying to ignore you. Honestly. I Love you all so much. You know who you are.

If I name any at all then those I do not mention would more than likely get offended because I did not mention them. So lets just say those of you that are closest to me and know where I live and my phone number. That should cover it. Friends, Family and especially my PHAMILY !!!!!!

Now as my last post from the parking lot seems to have worried some of you. Don””t let it. I am NOT giving up by any stretch of the imagination. I was just trying to get some of this crap ( pardon the pun) my chest. Yes, I am so fucking tired of all the “lets test this med because the other one did not do squat”  method of doctoring. It is not only defeating to ones well being but it is expensive as well.  Yeah I have Insurance at the moment. But does not it figure that most of the meds I have to take are not classified under the good old insurance $5 per prescription plan. They range from $45 all the way to a few hundred a prescription. I had to refuse the last prescription because it was $200.00 for a weeks supply and the insurance will not cover one cent of it. So yeah. This is why I bitch and moan…

Anyway I just wanted everyone to know I am ok. I am doing the best I can from day to day.  Just got done with a breathing treatment and the shakes are back bad. But we will persevere. I do not see me going out of the house much over the next week or so. The weather is not good for me to be out. With all this rain you would think it would be ok. But along with the heat during the day it just seems to create more humidity than there was before it rained. I mean right now if I walk out of the front door and into the heat of day. I feel like I just got hit in the chest with a ten ton truck. Within a few steps I am almost completely exhausted. So I will be here at home in my electronic world for the next several days.

I Love you all,

Peace Out,

Dragon

I have [...]]]>

So we are now 45 minutes into the day after my birthday. It was a good day. I enjoyed the company of my wife Red. We did nothing of any interest. Just spent down time with each other. Then I sent her off to bed because she has to work tonight.

I have never given much thought to birthdays. They haven”t really meant anything since I was a kid. Just another day in the life so to speak.

But for some reason this one was just a little extra special. Perhaps it was me having that whole looking at my own mortality thing a while back. Or perhaps it was that it also marks 10 years with the love of my life.

If you want to know more about her just ask her or refer to the many posts I have made about her and I over the years.

Then again just click this link and read her blog yourself, A Red Headed Stepchild . Red I Love you now and forever.

To the rest of my Phamily and Family, Thank you for the well wishes. For those of you who forgot. Shame on you. But hey I forget too so what the hell. No harm meant no harm done.

Live your life as you choose and dont let anyone else tell you your wrong. You only get 1 chance at this folks. One chance and then your ticket is punched and you move on to the next booth in the freakshow that is life, the universe and everything.

“42 “  Remember people, that is the answer after all.

Dragon

Red and I have gotten a lot accomplished. One more day left in my holiday weekend and then back to work… We plan to move the computer room around tomorrow. If it works it will make the [...]]]>

Got to admit it has been a great 3 days. A little fun, a little work, a little Phamily Intrigue.

Red and I have gotten a lot accomplished. One more day left in my holiday weekend and then back to work…
We plan to move the computer room around tomorrow. If it works it will make the room a little more company friendly.

Not looking forward to mowing the lawn in the morning, but it has to be done.

Red and me got to spend a lot more time together this last few days than we have in almost a year.. It has been fucking Awesome.

Went to see Indiana Jones this weekend with a couple of our very close friends. Saw the movie then went back to their place afterwards for some good conversation and relaxation.

As for the movie… Lets just say I think it could have been so much better. I think this one was more like Indiana Jones as seen through the eyes of Disney.

I mean come on.. Only that concept could explain a man sitting in a lead lined refrigerator at ground zero of a nuclear test range, get blown a few miles by a nuclear explosion, bounce several times (without the door even opening a fraction) and get out without a scratch or broken bone. Let alone not being irradiated so much that he should have been able to light Times Square on a cold winters night. You win some, you lose some.. Indy lost this one…

Red is asleep now. Has been for the last few hours. Poor girl has to work tonight. I will have her again for a few hours tomorrow morning but then the weekend comes to an end. Mine at least. Hers ended today.

I Love you Red. More than I can ever show you.
See you in a few hours with a Hot cuppa for ya.

Dragon

I wanted to wish you a very happy mother’s day. And no, not in the traditional sense of the holiday. Although you are a Mother figure to a lot of people we know.

But because you are now in the Mother stage of your life.

I am truly sorry that you did not get to enjoy all [...]]]>

Hello my Love,

I wanted to wish you a very happy mother’s day.
And no, not in the traditional sense of the holiday. Although you are a Mother figure to a lot of people we know.

But because you are now in the Mother stage of your life.

I am truly sorry that you did not get to enjoy all that there was to be experienced while the Maiden. However I know that the Goddess has seen fit to allow you to share some of what you thought passed you by. As I have come to learn, We do not chose what and when we learn. She does. Our challenge is to see the opportunities she presents and handle them in a manor that allows us to grow.

You now my sweet love are at a very crucial part of your life. You are now at the fulcrum which will determine where your life goes from here. You study so hard to expand your mind. I am so very proud of you.

As we spoke today I realized more how deeply I love you. We were meant to be together. We both know that. It has been 9 years now I I still find more reasons every day to show me that we are meant to be together. I honestly thought that emotions and feelings like those that course through my heart only existed in fairy tales. I was so wrong.

You my sweet lover simply put amaze me on a daily basis. The very fiber of my eternal soul cries out for you through every moment I exist. You are the positive to my negative, you are the north to my south. When we are together I find that I am more than the sum total of my parts. I am what I was always meant to be. And without you I am no more than a poor reflection of an old man, You are my life and my youth. You are the force that completes me (no Dr Evil reference meant here). I will love you for eternity. You are now and have always been my Dream.

In Service to the Dream,
All Ways and Always,

Dragon