This is bad enough as it is, but it was also my 57th birthday.

The friend I am speaking of has lived with Red and I for the last 10 years. The people that have known him over [...]]]>

On Sunday May 30th, 2010 one of my closest and dearest friends suffered a stroke.

This is bad enough as it is, but it was also my 57th birthday.

The friend I am speaking of has lived with Red and I for the last 10 years. The people that have known him over the years will attest to the fact that he was an old soul, and one of the most lovable friends, companions, one could ever hope to ask for.

This friend’s name was Keyser Soze. Not to be confused with the character in the movie, but that was who he was named after.

He is now at peace, he passed away on June 3rd, 2010 at 4:28 pm.

He was laid to rest in a beautiful place thanks to another dear friend. From his resting place he can look out over fields of green grass with swarms of Dragonflies and Honeysuckle all over the hillside. There are also several Llama’s and Arabian horses near by that he can see and hear.

Keyser My Friend

This dog had more personality and chutzpa than most people I know. He will be remembered in our family forever. For those of you that knew him I hope you remember him fondly as well. For those of you that never got to meet him I feel for you. You missed a chance of a lifetime. He was as human as you could get in a dog’s body.

Keyser I love you man. Always will. Rest in peace my friend. I will cherish the time we spent together. I love and Miss you my friend… Till we meet again in the SummerLand, be good and have all the pain free fun you can. I know you will be watching out for us.

Peace Out Keyser, I Love you !!!

Happy Halloween or Blessed Samhain to you all !!!

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Happy Halloween or Blessed Samhain to you all !!!

Happy Halloween or Blessed Samhain to you all !!!

And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was [...]]]>

I have said some pretty idiotic things today.

And unfortunately I said some of them to people I care very much about.

After coming home and having time to think.  I realize that I have been somewhat of an ass.

Now I suppose the term “somewhat” is dependent on the point of view of the person I was speaking to at the time.

OK so to make a long story short. Yes I got bad news today. Just one more thing in what seems like an endless array of “bad things” that have been sent my way of late. It is too involved here to explain right now, mainly because my hands are killing me and I don’t want to type more than I have to.

And to those of you who have mentioned the “it has to get denied a few times before it is approved” comment I understand this part. But I do thank you for mentioning it because it lets me know you care and best of all that people actually read what I post. lol But there is more to the initial denial than just that. As I said more to it then the obvious. I am sure that those of you that know Red and I well enough will know it all before too long.

As for me well I am and always have been a fighter. Not going to let this go. I have things I need to focus on for the immediate future and worry about the rest later.

But first I want to say something. Not like the above is not something, it is. But just not what I want to say now and to who I wanted to say it.

Man now I am beginning to type like Red. Stream of conscious typing. No structure.. lol

Ok Red, it is you that I want to address this to.

I realized after I dropped you off at school that I had been a total ass. I made you cry because I told you to take back the clothes you bought me because I was worried about expenses. Well in my mind I was right. It was just a gut reaction to natural survival. Shut every non essential down and bring the wagons into a circle.  In my panic I neglected to take into account your feelings and for that I am sorry. I hate to see you cry. It tears my heart up. You are not only my partner Red. you are my best friend, confidant and all that makes me worth knowing.  I have learned more about who I am in the last 10 years with you than I have in the last 56 years I have been on this planet.  If it had not been for you my Love I would not be here now. My life or what I thought was my life ended 10 years ago in Florida. You are the Only thing that stopped me from pursuing one of the stupidest and final mistakes of my life.

I guess what I am trying to say here Red is that I Love you more than life it’s self. And without you there is nothing. You Rock my world on a daily basis. And when I am foolish enough to say or do something that hurts you it rips me apart. So I ask you for your forgiveness and know that I can not promise it won’t happen again. Why? because I am human and I have emotions. But I will sure try to think before I speak in the future.

I Love you All Ways and in All Ways. We will survive.

And as much as I love the Klingon‘s.

Today is Not a good day to die.

Today is a good day to Fight!

To my FaceBook friends. At some point tonight I will log back in and change my photo back and remove the rantings of the lunatic. lol

But until then,

Peace Out

Dragon

Then “BAM!”. The day that you feared is here and you have no bloody idea where to turn.

I got “THE” telephone call [...]]]>

I knew this day would eventually come. But you always think in the back of your mind that it is ok. You have time to get the things done that need to be done.

Then “BAM!”. The day that you feared is here and you have no bloody idea where to turn.

I got “THE” telephone call this morning from my employer. As of 8AM this morning October 13th, 2009 I have been separated/terminated from my employment due to my continuing health reasons.

I have what I expect to be my last appointment with my Primary Care Doctor on Oct 22, 2009 due to the fact that my Insurance runs out as of Oct 31, 2009. I need to speak to him to see what I can do for my condition when I no longer have access to his services or insurance to offset the fucking exorbitant costs of the medications I am currently on. And if there is or will be any after effects if I have to withdraw from them because I can no longer afford to get them.

I also have an appointment set to speak to a Disability Attorney on Oct 15th, 2009.  My biggest fear is that I have no idea how we are going to survive until I either get the disability approved or it is denied. And if it is denied I have no idea what we are going to do. As hard as it is to get a decent paying job today I am sure it is not going to be easy no matter what.

Do I go and file for unemployment? Do I even qualify since I have been on Medical disability leave for the last several months? All these questions and as of right now, no damn answers.

The one thing that almost broke my heart this morning was when I explained to Red what the phone call was about I saw the fear in her face. The only thing she was worried about was me and my medications. What is going to happen to me.

I just wanted to reach out and hug her and tell her it was all going to be OK. I had it all under control and not to worry.

But I couldn’t. And I had to send her off to school with all this rolling around in her head.  She doesn’t need the added pressure. She has enough to worry about.

I have since sent her a text to let her know of the last Doctor’s appointment and the appointment with the attorney. I can not imagine it has done anything to ease her fear. It hasn’t eased mine.

The more I read about SSI disability the more I am afraid I will be in the proverbial poor house long before anything is approved. I mean our government is not known for it’s kindness or speed of its employees when it comes to helping people out.

Red and I were just starting to get our lives back in order and things (other than my health) seemed to be falling into place. But now. I fear the worst. But I get told to look on the bright side. OK. Please explain to me just exactly what is this “Bright Side”?

I do as I am told. I follow the rules, I cross my T’s and dot my i’s. I have copied, faxed and written enough paper work to warrant the deforestation of an entire section of the amazon rain forest. Or at least it seems so.

Now comes the worst part of the beginning of this long drawn out fight to live. The waiting until I can speak with those who are supposed to know what I should do and how it is going to happen.

And of course do I look on the bright side? No of course not. But we have yet to see the bright side so I feel comfortable in saying that is why I can not see it. I don’t want to be a pain in anybody’s ass. And I know it is going to get oh so fucking hard in the next few weeks.

I feel more sorry for Red than I do for me. She internalizes so much of what bothers her when she is troubled. She needs to processes and discuss and work it out.  So it leads to stress, stress and more stress. Not good for her with all she has to worry about already with school and work and my dumb ass.

Me  on the other hand I am a lot more emotional in my worrying. I tend to snap, bitch and just in general be a bitchy, crabby pain in the ass.

So Right here and Now I want to tell you Red. I Apologize for anything I say or do in advance. I LOVE YOU more than anything in the universe. Please my love take that into account before you either kill me or have me committed. (lol)

Seriously though. Right now I am at a loss or a standstill. I have called who I need to and there is not much more I can do. Got all my paperwork in order as well.

Now I just wait. Fuck I hate this…

Peace Out

Dragon

Give her a break people.

I know damn well if you were in [...]]]>

I have to give Amanda Kudo’s here for this blog entry. She has a point. And I don’t think the so called “complaining fans” fully understand how hard it is for someone like her to make a living in her chosen field.

Give her a break people.

I know damn well if you were in her situation and the same opportunities presented themselves to make a little extra money to help offset the expenses of traveling the planet to Entertain “US”, you would do the same thing.

Don’t change Amanda. Do what you need to. Your true fan base will understand and continue to support you in all you do.

amanda fucking palmer » blog

Peace Out

Dragon

And yep you [...]]]>

To say that I am somewhat in mental limbo right now would be putting it mildly. I think I am more leaning towards full blown panic or complete mental collapse. Either way it really does not make a difference as I am going to be up shits creek here in a few weeks.

And yep you guessed it. The paddle is nowhere to be found.

Most of you that know me are aware that in the last 12 months my health has gone from pretty good to 3 steps from crash and burn. In that time I got diagnosed with COPD, got put on medical leave from work and hoped to get treatment and get back to work. Well that has not happened. Not that I did not get treatment. I did. Just that my system has pretty much rejected most all of the medications I have been prescribed. So along with the COPD I have also been diagnosed with “migratory rheumatoid arthritis“.

It seems now that the “migratory rheumatoid arthritis” is running in full swing throughout my body. What that means is that the bastard disease decided that it does not want to settle down anywhere in particular in my body. It is one of the more global travelers. It just chooses a random joint or joints each day when I awake to pulverize me with pain. But it does however seem to favor my hands and wrists.

In the last week I had a very dear friend almost die in my arms. He is only 42. Talk about a smack in the face of my mortality.

My Doctor told me that I might want to begin paperwork to see if I can get Full Disability from SSI as the diagnosis for my problems has only gotten worse. Then I am told that once I start taking the medications for the arthritis I need to be very careful.

“Why”, I asked.

I was told that the medications for treating the type of arthritis I have wreak havoc and severely weaken my immune system. And with my COPD which as well all know is just an acronym for emphysema (lung / breathing problems) I could very well compromise my health more by not being careful.

“Oh fucking  joy”!

So now after all this crap sinks in I realize that any one of the 2 major colds I get each year could potentially be fatal to me.

Then the omnipresent reality starts to creep in as well. I am currently on “long term medical leave” from work due to this. But as much as the company I work for has been there for me in every way I have asked of them. They have supported me 100% from the get go. They in all good conscious can not keep me on the books as an employee much longer. Sooner or later if I can not get back to work they are going to have to let me go. Unfortunately it is more than likely going to be sooner than later.

So there will go my only link to my Doctor and medication as I will lose all the insurance I currently have. And after listening to the news lately it has not convinced me that I am going to get or have any decent health care without it any time in the near future. Well not any that I can afford if I am not employed and the company does not provide it. Because I sure as hell can NOT afford the current medication I am now without it. I mean totaling up the meds I use now without insurance are in the thousands. Even with insurance I pay about 2-3 hundred a month.

But apart from that I have no idea where Red and I are going to end up. Financially this is going to screw us completely. For the last year while all this has been going on we have depleted our savings.  Since I have been on medical leave we have been functioning on only 60% of my salary. So with Red going to school, working and her work in the writing center we just manage to scrape by each month.

Well almost.

As they say, “Shit Happens”, and it is after all Murphys Law, “If anything can go wrong, it will”.  So factor in this variable and we have a house that runs constantly in the deficit. The “Rob Peter to Pay Paul” syndrome. It is not easy but we manage. For now.

I have the most Amazing group of “Phamily, Family and Friends” around me here though.  Support is Great from them all. I LOVE you so much.

But it still does not ease the fears that permeate my mind on a 24 hour basis.

I mean Red and I talk. We talk A LOT. It is one of the  basics foundations  of our relationship.  And she is worried as well. Tries not to show it. But can not fool me girlie. I can see you. We joke a lot about it. But reality is reality. It has made a lot of difference in how we function on a daily basis now. Life changing is what I thought I called it once before. Never realized how much though until now. But we live and learn.

Have a lot to do now to figure out how we are going to make it. What we need to do. Who we need to speak to, paper work, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork and did I mention the paperwork.

I have to quit for now. Hand beginning to hurt again and swell more. LOL Makes it damn hard to type.

Peace Out

Dragon

Peace Out, Dragon

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Peace Out,
Dragon

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I lost a good friend yesterday. I only knew him for about a year. But I worked with him every day. He sat right across the glass wall from me.

Peace be with you Brother. Semper Fi.

Dragon

The fatal accident occurred when the operator of the cycle, Gregory G. Kobierski, [...]]]>

Current mood: sad

I lost a good friend yesterday. I only knew him for about a year. But I
worked with him every day. He sat right across the glass wall from me.

Peace be with you Brother. Semper Fi.

Dragon

The fatal accident occurred when the operator of the cycle, Gregory G. Kobierski, 58,
apparently failed to negotiate the curve at 3126 E. Greens Drive and
left the roadway, a news release said.He was riding alone on a Kawasaki
Vulcan and was wearing a helmet.