Reflections of the Mind

To say that I am somewhat in mental limbo right now would be putting it mildly. I think I am more leaning towards full blown panic or complete mental collapse. Either way it really does not make a difference as I am going to be up shits creek here in a few weeks.

And yep you guessed it. The paddle is nowhere to be found.

Most of you that know me are aware that in the last 12 months my health has gone from pretty good to 3 steps from crash and burn. In that time I got diagnosed with COPD, got put on medical leave from work and hoped to get treatment and get back to work. Well that has not happened. Not that I did not get treatment. I did. Just that my system has pretty much rejected most all of the medications I have been prescribed. So along with the COPD I have also been diagnosed with “migratory rheumatoid arthritis“.

It seems now that the “migratory rheumatoid arthritis” is running in full swing throughout my body. What that means is that the bastard disease decided that it does not want to settle down anywhere in particular in my body. It is one of the more global travelers. It just chooses a random joint or joints each day when I awake to pulverize me with pain. But it does however seem to favor my hands and wrists.

In the last week I had a very dear friend almost die in my arms. He is only 42. Talk about a smack in the face of my mortality.

My Doctor told me that I might want to begin paperwork to see if I can get Full Disability from SSI as the diagnosis for my problems has only gotten worse. Then I am told that once I start taking the medications for the arthritis I need to be very careful.

“Why”, I asked.

I was told that the medications for treating the type of arthritis I have wreak havoc and severely weaken my immune system. And with my COPD which as well all know is just an acronym for emphysema (lung / breathing problems) I could very well compromise my health more by not being careful.

“Oh fucking  joy”!

So now after all this crap sinks in I realize that any one of the 2 major colds I get each year could potentially be fatal to me.

Then the omnipresent reality starts to creep in as well. I am currently on “long term medical leave” from work due to this. But as much as the company I work for has been there for me in every way I have asked of them. They have supported me 100% from the get go. They in all good conscious can not keep me on the books as an employee much longer. Sooner or later if I can not get back to work they are going to have to let me go. Unfortunately it is more than likely going to be sooner than later.

So there will go my only link to my Doctor and medication as I will lose all the insurance I currently have. And after listening to the news lately it has not convinced me that I am going to get or have any decent health care without it any time in the near future. Well not any that I can afford if I am not employed and the company does not provide it. Because I sure as hell can NOT afford the current medication I am now without it. I mean totaling up the meds I use now without insurance are in the thousands. Even with insurance I pay about 2-3 hundred a month.

But apart from that I have no idea where Red and I are going to end up. Financially this is going to screw us completely. For the last year while all this has been going on we have depleted our savings.  Since I have been on medical leave we have been functioning on only 60% of my salary. So with Red going to school, working and her work in the writing center we just manage to scrape by each month.

Well almost.

As they say, “Shit Happens”, and it is after all Murphys Law, “If anything can go wrong, it will”.  So factor in this variable and we have a house that runs constantly in the deficit. The “Rob Peter to Pay Paul” syndrome. It is not easy but we manage. For now.

I have the most Amazing group of “Phamily, Family and Friends” around me here though.  Support is Great from them all. I LOVE you so much.

But it still does not ease the fears that permeate my mind on a 24 hour basis.

I mean Red and I talk. We talk A LOT. It is one of the  basics foundations  of our relationship.  And she is worried as well. Tries not to show it. But can not fool me girlie. I can see you. We joke a lot about it. But reality is reality. It has made a lot of difference in how we function on a daily basis now. Life changing is what I thought I called it once before. Never realized how much though until now. But we live and learn.

Have a lot to do now to figure out how we are going to make it. What we need to do. Who we need to speak to, paper work, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork and did I mention the paperwork.

I have to quit for now. Hand beginning to hurt again and swell more. LOL Makes it damn hard to type.

Peace Out

Dragon