2AM Mutterings about Ones own Mortality

My life for the last year or so has not been up to snuff. And especially in the last 8 months. Now when I say up to snuff. I don””t mean trouble with the wife or anything of that nature. It is the concerns of my health now that sit and percolate in my sub conscious.

I had to endure and work on stabilizing some rather bad psychological problems about 8 months ago. It all had to do with stress that then lead to depression and finally to my meltdown. Then the aftermath of that and being out of work on disability. Then having to see a shrink for 8 months. But it helped.

Between my shrink and my doctor we managed to get a nice little cocktail of medication together, (through several weeks of trial and error). And this cocktail now keeps me lucid and stable on a daily basis. Yay !

But during this entire time Red was there to help me. God I love that woman. Anyway I digress. I was worried about what the hell was happening to me. I have always been a strong guy. Perhaps not in the physical muscle sense, but in body and spirit. And I was losing control.

I now need pills to keep me balanced emotionally. This is really fucked. But what choice do you have? Yeah there are those that tell you that once you recognize the triggers that set off the emotional responses you can learn to avoid them. yeah.. Easier said than done. And for the longest time you still need medication.

I hate living on pills. It is like that saying,“Better Living through Chemistry”.

So after fighting this crap for over 8 months I finally get someplace and get back to work and then shit hits the fan Again!

I cant stop coughing and chest is tight and very difficult to breath.

Yeah I do smoke. Have for over 40 years.

Yeah I KNOW I have to quit. Especially now.

Went to the Doctor after trying to get rid of what I thought was just allergies and sinus problems. His diagnosis was Severe Asthmatic Bronchitis. Got Chest X-Ray and that looked OK. Doc prescribed some meds, a weak steroid to clear the lungs and an antibiotic to help get rid of infection behind eardrum.

OK, Cool.. That ought to do it. That was back the end of Jan.

Well it didnt get any better. I went back and Doc kept adjusting the meds. But it never got better. Now this is April and had to go to the ER because I had so much problems with breathing.

So ER Doc orders another X-Ray and then proceeds to give me 3 breathing treatments in the space of 5 hours. A shit load of blood was removed from my person.  For lab tests.

By the time I was done that day I was wired for supersonic sound. If you have ever had an Albuterol breathing treatment you know what I mean. I was shaking so bad I looked like a drunk that had not had a drink in days.  And it has a speed effect. But couple that with the steroids I was also given. It was a bad, bad day…

Than came the kicker from the ER Doc as I was signing my get out of here papers.

Doc: “I want you to call your Doctor today and get an appointment with him tomorrow”.

Me: “Well I have one for the 26th of this month”.

Doc: “No you need to get in to see him tomorrow”.

Me: “Why Doc”?

Doc: “I found a dark mass / lesion on one of your ribs that I can not identify”.

Me: “OK, will call him when I get done here”.

So I did call him and got in the next day. He asked me what was up. I explained what the ER Doc had said. He looked at me rather funny and looked up the ER Doctors notes on his computer.

He just said , can”t be we just did an X-Ray end of January and I didn”t see anything.

But to be on safe side he scheduled a CT scan for the next day. That was Friday.

Now here I sit. Waiting on the results.

Knowing I have COPD was enough of a kicker to have to deal with. It is going to cause me to make some major life changes.

But now to think there is a dark mass / lesion on my rib that was not there 3 months ago. Little scary..

So there you go. I am still having problems breathing. Meds have been upped to the sky, breathing treatments 4 times a day, ( fuck me that makes it hard to function ) ,  and I am out of work until the 19th unless this does not get any better and or the thing on my rib is something weird or scary. Then I could be looking at longer off and that sucks.

Peace Out

Dragon